still quite sick. but no fever. josh tested negative for covid when he was sick so i knew it wasn't that but i tested anyway - it's not. just a severe cold.

missing forest time something fierce. might go back to the sunflower farm tomorrow, or go look for mushrooms by myself. or both. it's a lot of driving but i have amy tan's backyard bird chronicles to keep me company.

...

our offer on the house was accepted, so inspection is next, hopefully friday. we're excited and very nervous. this house could get expensive very quickly. it's 25 years old and most likely so are all the major systems (furnace, water heater, roof) so there might be some looming major costs we did not anticipate, we'll have to see. we already know we need to repair the fence and add air conditioning so it's already a bit daunting. oof. need to start moving money around for escrow and all that other adulty stuff i only basically understand. it's all very terrifying, especially as "the big one" (major earthquake that will devastate the region) will hit any day and take the house down along with everything we put into with it. (I've been afraid of this earthquake since i was a child, for good reason.)

But, as i get older, i just can't worry or care so much about the end of things anymore. it's closer now than my beginning, at this point, and could be much, much closer than i want to admit to my partner or loved ones. we die young, in my family. and my body has degenerative problems worse than some 70 year old women i know.

and honestly, the grief i went through when i was younger, losing my grandparents as child and my dad as a very young adult and my mom in the most horrific, slow, torturous way, along with pets and partners and chances at educational goals and the years i lost to being sedentary when my hip needed to be reconstructed and then struggling for twelve years through that recovery process and and and. the self harm, the migraines so painful i dry-heaved from the pain for hours, multiple times a month for so many years, the constant fighting with the addictive genes in this painful body, the mental illness from childhood trauma and neglect, the bone-deep crushing sobs i cried night after night after night that never felt survivable, i know all that took a toll.

i just kind of have to quietly accept everything, including that it might not work out and things could get worse before they get worse. it's nothing worth fretting about anymore, because I don't feel like there's enough left worth fretting over anymore.

the rest of my life is going to hurt.

...

my little self-care app "finch" is so useful but the facebook group is rough, i need to get off of there. all they talk about is getting certain items, they've completely lost track of the point. to be fair, the app has beautiful designs for the little rewards that are available as tasks are accomplished and points are gained, and it's fun to see what they come up with, the creativity and artwork is all so charming and delightful and fun and very silly. I could not resist buying a pair of totally inappropriate "designer italian trousers" in black when they popped up in my shop the day Georgio Armani died. I'm never letting go of those.

but today i kinda lost my shit and gamed the system in order to get enough points for a black flower i don't need and a marshmallow on a stick which is something i don't even eat or have any association with other than campfires which is kinda nice i guess but i don't actually like them? i did this because...? i just wanted them, why? I still do! and I did get the points for them, but it was totally cheating and i'm trying to resist this silliness and focus on the point of the app which is self-care and building better habits to improve quality of life for ourselves, not collecting little trinkets for my birb. i guess maybe my birb could be a crow? lololol.

nah, i think she's a finch, still.

(I named my birb Sarooroo because of the whole Labubu craze - those little demon dolls are hecka cute. I am also NOT buying one.)

it is kinda funny that the finch app has these yellow sunflower glasses and some of those who're getting them show off screenshots of their birbs dressed as Art the Clown lol. Terrifier looks like too scary of a movie for me but I like Art the Clown's style. I wonder if he is demonic like Pennywise or just murder-happy? Being super into halloween means i have friends who are super into horror and I sooooooo am not, but i enjoy the Art design and it's everywhere in all the halloween areas so it's hard not to start to get a little attached, or, morbidly curious?

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such a wild dip in mood today after 1pm, so frustrating. the morning was really nice. i was actually happy for a little while. it's not as much like being high as it is a feeling of being released from a nonsensical but tenacious gnawing grinding pain, a weight, a nagging, a sharp, hot, clawing sensation that every once in a while releases its talons. it's like escaping into a grassy field after being trapped in a moldy basement. how did i end up back here. i can see the grassy field, why can't i be in it. how do i keep getting stuck like this.

...

I had the fleeting sensation today of wishing that my life circumstances could have afforded me the resources, the family support, and the emotional and psychological scaffolding required to have just one child. I never had a chance to do that, and there are moments, few and far between and very fleeting, when a searing, hot pain of yearning and unfairness digs into me. It's not the same as the waves of grief that come from loss, this feeling of missing something that never was, never could be, a missed chance, something that I was robbed of ever even considering as a possibility, never having the money or support or body that could sustain another life. Sometimes my insides scream over it. It happens very infrequently and it passes quickly. But the pain is cutting, when it is here.

there is a perspective that could be taken that would say, this is an utter biological failure of being. a "you had one job" kind of perspective, genetically. i was supposed to create another human, to perpetuate this little bloodline. that's the whole point of life and i failed.

but deep down, we know, that is not the whole point of life. the whole point of life, is love.

..

It's also sad to experience this being a part of the "neurodivergent" community not by biology, but from childhood neglect and trauma. other than being an HSP I'm fairly confident i could have been neurotypical, but, "trauma brain" is a thing that does not work the way a healthy, well-developed brain does. and this is never. going. to. change. this got wired in development and i'm stuck with it.

it's okay, it makes me more compassionate, more sensitive, more a lot of good things. it just. isn't fair. but life isn't. that's okay.

i am so tired of trying to fix my depression. i am more interested in being curious and accepting of this. it's hard for others and i know josh suffers from it, but i suffer more, and the less accepted i feel the way i am, and the more pressure i feel to "fix" it, the worse it seems to get. i just have to meet myself where i am at.

Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

...

Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

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Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

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Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)